The Ungracious Guest
I had a wild experience with a friend last weekend. We had a couple visiting us from out of town and they came over for dinner one night. Like they always have, they brought with them several bottles of wine (and gifts for the kids! so not entirely ungracious.) It took me a minute when they came in to greet them and I set the wine bottles down for a minute to get the kids settled. Before I even turned around the grab them, my guest was holding one of the bottles and hunting for a wine opener.
Four glasses were set out and as the wine was being poured, I let my guests know I wasn’t drinking alcohol. I left to go get a NA beer from the garage and turned back to see the crew with glasses raised, “cheers!” they cried. “Wait!” I said, and filled my glass quickly to join in the fun.
In short order, my guest asked me why I wasn’t drinking. I explained that I’ve been enjoying life without alcohol and feeling really good and don’t want to stop. I told them about my Sober Curious group, the 100 day plan I made with my gal Holly, and just how awesome it’s been for me. As a rule, I dread these explanations. I haven’t yet learned to just let these moments pass without overexplaining. But honestly it’s never been a problem. People have, without exception, been gracious and supportive… until that night! My friend did NOT respond supportively. In fact, he basically shamed me for not living my life like he does. “If I were on my deathbed, I wouldn’t look back and say ‘I’m glad I was sober those last three days’” he said. He offered his reasoning - such as wanting to live life fully - which I agree with. And he wasn’t meaning to be a dick about it. But he kind of was.
I share this because if anyone else out there is starting in on the sober curious journey and you weren’t a fall-down drunk people were sick of dealing with, you might get some pushback when you tell people you aren’t drinking. Many people still believe that, if you’re not an alcoholic, you should drink. Many people don’t know about the health consequences of drinking or the pure bliss that comes from giving your body a break from drinking poison. And it’s OK. I think it was quite ungracious of my friend to respond in this way, but it only served to make me more sure that 1) I should do what’s right for me, and 2) I shouldn’t bother explaining. Unless someone really wants to know - like if they are considering their own sober curious experiment - it isn’t worth the effort to try and make people understand. It’s kind of freeing when you realize you can’t do anything to control people’s reactions. Live and let live, I say.
Oh, and try to forgive the people who don’t know any better. You don’t have to be around people who make you feel badly or who invalidate you. But I still recommend forgiveness. It feels so good! Here is a forgiveness meditation I especially like.
